Holy Crap! You've got to be kidding me!

My manager just informed me that there was a full moon last Sunday. That apparently translates into the dumbest people in Omaha crawl out of their hidey-hole and find a telephone to call our office and irritate the hell out of me. Yesterday I had one extra special patient call up and ask to get a follow up appointment to see the doctor (not that odd). Her exact words were, "Dr. T-- did surgery on me a few years ago and I need to get in to see him because I think there is something wrong again." Logically I asked, "What did surgery did you have?" This of course is when the phone gets all scratchy and cuts out for a second, but I do manage to pick out the word "stomach". Ehm, wrong answer. For those of you who don't know me or where I work let me run through a quick explanation. The doctor I work for only takes care of varicose and spider veins in the legs. Very specific. He is a retired doctor and he used to be a general and vascular surgeon. He's not anymore and he hasn't been for over two years now. We pretty much informed every patient he's ever seen that he no longer does any surgery that doesn't have to do with veins in your legs. Every once in a while we get one patient that hasn't heard and we get calls like this. It's really not that big of a deal until they turn into this lady. So, once I hear the key word "stomach" I know we will not be seeing her in our office. I proceed to tell her that the doctor has retired from general surgery and she needs to return to her family physician with any problems and if she needs a surgeon her family doctor will be able to refer her to a new surgeon. This woman's reply? "But the doctor is still there, right?" Oh, boy. Yep, it's one of those patients that just doesn't want to give up her dream of coming to see a retired doctor who can't help her. "Yes, he is still working, but he doesn't do general surgery anymore."
"Well, I don't think I need surgery. I just need him to check me out."
You just don't get it, do you? "He is retired. He doesn't see patients unless they have varicose veins anymore."
"So, what am I supposed to do?"
What did I just tell you to do not even a minute ago, you deaf old bat? "You need to return to you family physician so they can check you out and if you need a new surgeon they will refer you to one." Oh! Now it sinks in.

BUT!

That is nothing in comparison to the winner I just hung up with. It's another follow up patient and this time it is someone who actually has vein problems. Good start. I pulled her chart to see what she needs to come back in for because I realized long ago that our patients don't really pay attention when we tell them when they need to come back and what it will be for... so I stopped asking. Their answers just annoy me. In her chart the doctor says that they patient needs to obtain compression stocking (those really tight, thick stockings that squeeze your leg. yep, exactly what they sound like). So, I get back on the phone with her and ask her if she has gotten the panty hose and worn them for the past six weeks or so. Nope. She never got them. Okay, simple enough. GO GET THEM, STUPID! So, I explain to her that she needs to get the compression stockings from the pharmacy and wear them for six weeks before I schedule her for a re-evaluation. I even offer to fax the prescription in so she doesn't need to come and pick it up at the office. The conversation should have been over right there, but oh no. She pauses for a second and then asks, "Do I have to fill the prescription?" Huh? No, she couldn't have actually meant what she just asked so I requested that she repeat her question and she replied. "You know, do I actually have to fill the prescription?"
WHAT THE HELL????!!!! "Yes, you have to fill the prescription and actually wear the compression hose." Why the hell else would we write the damn thing and fax it in for you?
"Oh, but I don't have to wear them while it's hot, right?"
As long as it's for six consecutive weeks I don't give a shit when you wear them, you dumb bitch. I reiterated to her that she needed to wear them for six weeks so we could have documentation to send in to her insurance company so she could get the procedure done. If you don't want your insurance to pay for the $5000 to $7000 surgery feel free to not wear the support hose. I hope you get a blood clot and your leg explodes, because you're obviously too dumb to get the point.
How are there so many dumb people in the world?