A Story to Tell

Well, I want to occupy my time with worthwhile activities. I wanted to have an official blog whether people read it or not so I made one. I wanted to fill my blog with my story ideas and perhaps start to actually write one of my stories in a blog. As you can tell I haven't done that. I haven't with my other blog either. My blogs are the same type of crap over and over again. Me complaining about something and turning it into a joke for my and other's amusement. This is not the type of writing I want to be known for, even if it is just in the blog world. I just can't bring myself to do it. You know, it's one of those self-loathing problems that everyone gets now and again. It's not that I haven't written stories down elsewhere. If you know me, then you've probably seen me toting around either a large orange journal or my laptop in its lime green case. (apparently I like my accessories to be really obnoxious colors. Hey, no one will try to steal something ugly, right?). So, I obviously have stories to tell and new ideas are constantly streaming into my silly little head and yet.....

Here I am babbling about nothing and the self-loathing cycle begins again. You see, I'm embarrassed by my stories on one level. The fear of being made fun of far outweighs the possibility that people might actually enjoy my work. Sure, I've had people read my stories.... well, one story I let out to readers, but it's always and only to people I know and people that, for the most part, like me. I don't have to worry about too harsh of criticism from those people.... most of the time. I even got really helpful advice from a-- well what do I call Jay? A friend, I suppose. Although, technically speaking, he is one of my cousin's best friends. I just leeched onto him via myspace. I value his opinion probably a little higher than most of my other readers because he isn't a close friend and he's a teacher. Even more than that, he's an English teacher. He should know what he's talking about, right? He gave my story back with all sorts of helpful notes and, at first, I was excited to get working on my story again and rearrange stuff and all those fun things that go into the editing process. And then slowly the hatred comes back. What a terrible story! Why did I even write it? It sounds too much like a TV sitcom or comic book for it to be taken seriously. I'll never be published so, why on earth should I turn it in?

Pretty pathetic, huh? Yep, that's me. That's why I haven't submited anything to a publisher and that's why I've never posted anything real in a blog. Apparently, my dream world is far more appealing than actually trying to reach for my dreams. BUT MY SHELL IS SO NICE AND COZY! Why would I ever want to leave the safety net of my mind? Grrr! Someday I'll do this.... someday..... someday..... and if I die tomorrow they can publish my journals, right? Nice and safe. Nothing to worry about. Let me just shift myself in my pathetic little shell so I can get more comfortable.

So, now I'm thinking of taking a story completely new to me and only writing it online. You see, if it goes online right away I won't have a chance to hate it, crumple it up, and throw it away. I mean, of course, I could delete it after I posted it and didn't like it, but still it would be out there for a little while. I hope.... I'll have to come up with something good..... hmmmm. Well, now that I've written this idea out I'm actually going to have to follow through with it -- unless I delete this right now..... hmm. I won't! It's going up right now and the next time I write it will have to be the start of a story. I've set my brain to it!